more merde

Well I may be being a whiney cry baby, but, since friday, when i had the surgery, I've gotten a fever, had the heating go out in my apartment, and, when i conscientiously checked in to my work phone, found a message from the office torquemada, wanting me to call him back on some job crappily done. I HATE my job. In fact, the word "hate" in the previous sentence should be red hot and dripping with toxins. I think my job is killing me.

So now i sit in a freezing apartment, because we had to open the windows due to the nasty gas smell from the blown heater, and, beside me sits a pile of work that i have to get done, which will probably also be below standards, and result in more torquemada calls, and all for what? I have to find a new job. I posted my resume yesterday on some of the lawyer sites. Since I can do little else, i guess I should just start looking now. I know a new lawyer job is probably and "out of the frying pan into the fire" thing, but, well, at this point I'm feeling kinda impulsive. I'd really like to get a non-law job, but don't really wanna go back to school, which I'd have to do for anything as lucrative as law. I mean, I like school, but I'd have to get another free ride, that's the only way i could justify it. And, what am i suited for? I mean, I know i am totally unsuited for an office job. Non office jobs tend to be either hard on the body or not very lucrative. I have no passions anymore, except for animals, and one PAYS to rescue/work with animals, one doesn't get paid, unless one is a vet.

Well, perhaps my 4.5 readers could offer me some suggestions. Given that I'm not young, not pretty, not a people person, and not likely to become one, absolutely not an office person or 9-5er, smart in an aspergian way and heavily autonomous, what do you suggest i do? (given the above description, about the only avenue open to me is "famous recluse"... how does one get paid for that? can ya help me out here?)

ma firsss drink ina looooooooooong tahm

tonight we had the obligatory first office xmas party. I say "first" because this is the unofficial one, the one for the plebes. The mucky mucks party is later, and a bigger deal and costs money to go to, and will probably have those little sandwiches that consist of one olive on one half of a slice of cucumber with a sprig of something laid across that is guaranteed to get stuck in your teeth. Or not IN your teeth but between them. I don't know why people say "you have spinach stuck in your teeth" when they mean in between. I mean it would be horrible to have something stuck IN your teeth, you'd need all kinds of really painful dental work. But whatever. I am not to blame for the grammatical and syntactical errors of others.

At any rate, we had this party. I of course, as is my wont, because i am one of the least social people I know, headed straight for the ole merlot, and, within approximately 35 seconds of slogging through a brief on termination of parental rights for mental retardation, i was holding forth most impolitically about penile implants and the absurdity of the case load. (yes penile implants. don't worry, it was a job related discussion...)

I cannot drink, i have no tolerance for alcohol.

However, I am smarter than i used to be, because, after my one (ok, very full) plastic cup of wine, I had the grace to excuse myself, and gtfo, before i caused any more damage to my carefully cultivated "cancer sufferer" persona.

I'll have to be more careful at the mucky muck party if I go. AND I'll make sure and wear some slightly green-tinted foundation, for that "she's had a rough year" look that should save me from getting either fired or loaded down with too much work...

But i did enjoy that cuppowine tho.

toil et travel

(heh. nice little play on mots, eh? get it? "toil et"? and, travel instead of travail??? Ok ok it's not elegant... but it will work. hahah i did it again. work??? travail??? toil??? get it get it get it? SHADDDUP!)

Well, I think it is fair to tell you that I forgot that life outside of cancer largely consists of thankless toil, bad meals, and exhausting travel (meaning my 4 hour per day commute). Mostly thankless toil.

I do not know how the majority of people in the western world handle the 9-5 office job, I certainly never did it before I became the world's most reluctant middle aged lawyer, and I certainly did not give the prospect of a life lived on a 9-5 schedule its due weight in my somewhat whimsical decision to enter law skool. Had I done so, I'd have run screaming in the opposite direction, and perhaps entered the Joe Smith school of hotel/motel night management, bartending, and grave digging.

The odd thing is that people consider this NORMAL. perhaps I lived in an ivory tower (or, more likely under a rock) for my entire life, but in no way is it NORMAL to get up 2 hours before the freakin sun comes up, travel to a large building, sit on your ass all day fretting over other people's legal problems, only to then depart 2 hours after the freakin sun sets, travel home, too tired to make a decent dinner, fall into bed for a fitful few hours only to get up and do the EXACT SAME THING for four more days until you can have the unmitigated luxury of sleeping at least til the sun comes up.

People must either love what they do, have an infinite capacity to live for the weekend, or, more likely, are trapped into wage slavery early and have no other choice.

I always had choices, because I was childless, and free and clear of any dependancies. I had only myself and my cats to look after. I habitually changed jobs and apartments as easily as underwear (and, in the case of at least one favorite bra, probably more often....bwhahahahah).

Not that I was carefree by any stretch, but, damn I never thought I'd be a 9-5er. In fact I used to know I couldn't do it. I don't know how i forgot that. I think I just wanted to go to school. And law school seemed as good as any, in fact better, because it only took 3 years, and was supposed to be a big deal. And, although it sucked, i didn't mind it because the hours were good...! I never really had to get up super early, and I always had a lot of time off. Of course, I could have worked a lot harder.... but i did enough. And I always had time for movies and gym and run time and much needed downtime, except twice a year when exams would roll round. Then, i was freaked for about 10 days and it was over, and there'd be a vacation where I got lots of sympathy for doing something so damned awesome as law skool and I'd be all "oh it's so HAAAAARRRRRDDDDD" bwahahaha.

but not anymore. I don't get no kudos. I don't get no downtime. I don't look like I'm doing anything heroic. not even apres cancer. boy did I make a silly choice....

Anyway. I guess you may be able to tell from this post that I don't really have anything cancer related to complain about. herceptin seems like a walk in the park compared to chemo. Let's keep it that way.

and, once i'm past all this....i'll be damned if I won't figure out a way to get out of the 9-5 thing and back to slack...