Barbaro

I was sad to find out that Barbaro was euthanized yesterday. I've been pulling for him all along. He and I had surgery on the same day last May y'know. It's just sad. I guess I really really wanted a happy ending.

But, keep in mind, folks, there are lots of other animals, horses, cats, dogs, cows, pigs, mice, birds, iguanas, etc, that don't get anywhere near the care and attention Barbaro got, and die sad little deaths all the time, on the side of the road, in a factory farm, in the vet's office, in backyards, in vacant lots, in forests, in fields. I'm mourning them too, today. Sometimes it's the way of nature, but, a lot of it, a fairly prodigious amount of it, is human-caused suffering. We need to open our eyes to it...even when it's not Barbaro that dies...

post crazy-os

I know I know. I majorly did NOT rise to the challenge of posting every day. I mean, it's really all I can do to keep up with my life. So, let's all move on shall we?

On the job front, I am DETERMINED to catch up, because I am tired of sneaking in (late) taking an hour and a half in the middle of each day to go to the gym, and leaving (earlyish) and feeling guilty about it. I mean I won't stop doing those things of course, but i do not wish to feel guilty any more. Ergo, I guess I'll just catch up. Appropos of that, I have designated this week "Type A" week, in which I impersonate someone effective who gives a shit about her job. To that end, I worked on Sunday, stayed late last night, stayed late-ish tonight, and only checked my email 85 times today. I did still go to the gym of course. As I've said before, I'm addicted. I love my gym. until i get my bike, the gym it is. I project that i will catch up in the next couple weeks and then I can go back to slack.

On the physical front (what front? I have no more real front), I feel pretty good. In 2 weeks I get my expanders out and the implants (saline) in. that will be a welcome change, as I've had these damned hockey pucks sitting on my chest way too long. And it's not like, because they are hockey pucks, they are impervious to pain. OH no. I am reminded every time I bathe that i am still made of flesh and blood, sadly enough. I also try not to look at myself naked more than once per week, which is easily enough accomplished, I just make sure to fog up the mirror inthe bathroom when I shower, and that's the only mirror in the house. No wonder I sometimes show up to work wearing two different socks and with my fly undone.


Cancer has definitely killed one of the seven deadlies... that one being vanity. But i make up for it in gluttony and sloth...I won't talk about lust, lest i get another supportive comment from my evangelical constituents....

attacks

for some reason, I am having a big ole anxiety attack today. I don't know what it's about, but i have my theories. I usually get extremely anxious when things are going my way. however, nothing is really going my way, except that i bought some new dishes and a bike last weekend, and i had a really good idea which fills me with excitement, but which I dare not reveal and cannot approach doing in my current job situation. So perhaps that's the anxiety.

Also, could be that I'm anxious most of the time and the fact that I'm now over my 2 week cold just makes it more obvious. Anxiety takes a break when one is sick, because it has a focus -- the illness. Except that's not true for cancer, anxiety does NOT take a break. My anxiety is also cancer related, of course. How could it not be? Chemo's been over for 3 months now, and it's hard to tell whether herceptin is doing anything, because I don't get any real side effects.

At any rate, I'm anxious. Could also be my job. I cannot prioritize and filter things out like most people can, so every day is a stress filled battle for mental organization (Aspergers syndrome you know), a battle I've been losing lately. One single phone call can render me unable to work for hours. A conversation in the cubicle across the hall is etched into my head in excruciating detail. And to top it off, random thoughts, usually of the atrocious and horrible variety, do not get sublimated or pushed out, they stay sitting on top like a popup window that won't close. I am often unable to read, and almost always unable to understand verbal instructions. This is my "normal." welcome to my world. I am truly amazed I ever accomplish anything.

And what does this have to do with cancer? Well, just this. Chemo caused me to get hot flashes. The hot flashes DESTROY me. They bring up such stress and agression that I have a hard time focusing during and after a hot flash. I hate them, and i have them all the time. They're like the physicalization of my high strung mental state and they are awful and claustrophobic as hell.

Ok so i tied it in to cancer. otherwise this would have had to go on bloggrilla, and then you'd be able to see that i fucked up my resolution already. yep, i've missed 2 days so far. AH me....

the challenge

yesterday i posted my one new years resolution over on bloggrilla and already i am regretting it. We had to work today despite the fact that good ole Ford was being memorialized, proving, once again, that there is no rest for the wicked (in whose ranks, as I have recently been informed, I most decidedly slouch, although probably not towards bethlehem).

Anyway, here's the deal folks. Normal every day posts such as this one will be posted on Bloggrilla, not here on CG, because, hey, CG is supposed to be about, uh, my battle with, and denial of, da disease. Posts about the upcoming reconstruction surgery, herceptin days, baldness, crapping my pants, gagging on my dental floss, wondering where my mojo went, etc., will be posted here on CG.

Thus, since i have nothing cancer related to say this by rights should go on bloggrilla, but since I'm to lazy to repost it, I'll just say that today I looked probably the worst that I've ever seen myself look, so much so that, as I was, self centeredly, stealing precious minutes from my job to go to the Y and indulge myself in a good old fashioned joust with several assorted cardio-machines (ok you have to know that I crave that like most people crave chocolate. probably more. Have you ever seen a junky twitch? Well watch me if I miss a day at the gym), I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in an ill-placed mirror and great merciful crap but I looked BAAAAAD and not in a good way. Grey face, huge bags under the eyes, frown permanently etched in mouth and chin area. unpleasant. See folks THAT's what cancer does to ya. But, there's always plastical surgery. And I then I can start a brand new blog about that....