attacks

for some reason, I am having a big ole anxiety attack today. I don't know what it's about, but i have my theories. I usually get extremely anxious when things are going my way. however, nothing is really going my way, except that i bought some new dishes and a bike last weekend, and i had a really good idea which fills me with excitement, but which I dare not reveal and cannot approach doing in my current job situation. So perhaps that's the anxiety.

Also, could be that I'm anxious most of the time and the fact that I'm now over my 2 week cold just makes it more obvious. Anxiety takes a break when one is sick, because it has a focus -- the illness. Except that's not true for cancer, anxiety does NOT take a break. My anxiety is also cancer related, of course. How could it not be? Chemo's been over for 3 months now, and it's hard to tell whether herceptin is doing anything, because I don't get any real side effects.

At any rate, I'm anxious. Could also be my job. I cannot prioritize and filter things out like most people can, so every day is a stress filled battle for mental organization (Aspergers syndrome you know), a battle I've been losing lately. One single phone call can render me unable to work for hours. A conversation in the cubicle across the hall is etched into my head in excruciating detail. And to top it off, random thoughts, usually of the atrocious and horrible variety, do not get sublimated or pushed out, they stay sitting on top like a popup window that won't close. I am often unable to read, and almost always unable to understand verbal instructions. This is my "normal." welcome to my world. I am truly amazed I ever accomplish anything.

And what does this have to do with cancer? Well, just this. Chemo caused me to get hot flashes. The hot flashes DESTROY me. They bring up such stress and agression that I have a hard time focusing during and after a hot flash. I hate them, and i have them all the time. They're like the physicalization of my high strung mental state and they are awful and claustrophobic as hell.

Ok so i tied it in to cancer. otherwise this would have had to go on bloggrilla, and then you'd be able to see that i fucked up my resolution already. yep, i've missed 2 days so far. AH me....