I FEAR CHANGE

Today i had to go in for blood counts, and my onc told me she wanted to start me on herceptin next week along with taxol.

I FEAR CHANGE.

As long as the plan is laid out in front of me (i am a devotee to THE ROUTINE, remember?) I can cruise, I can ignore, I can live in da nile like a happy crocodile.

BUT, when you change the plan, that means you make me actually have to think about what I'm really doing here. I mean, that i had cancer. And of course, that means I'll ALWAYS be a cancer patient, remember.

"Now you know what it's like to live in fear"

Fear of everything. A mosquito bite. A sore toe. A slightly depressed appetite. The way my watch hits the vein in my wrist. Add those to my usual panoply of horrors, the oiltank truck blowing up when I'm next to it, electrical fires, the crazed soccer mom SUV driver when I'm walkin home at night. Yes, even my rational (heh) fears pale by comparison to the fear that something in my body will betray me...

imagine swallowing a bomb. Imagine being a suicide bomber who changed her mind. Imagine being a replicant who doesn't know her expiration date, but knows she's been around a while...

who needs fear factor? Welcome to my life...