solid gray
I can't say things are horrible, but i cannot say they are good either. I'm having a crappy week, even as the end of chemo was supposed to result in an "era of [relatively] good feeling"
For one thing, my mind will not relax. In Austin, aside from the race and the bats, I didn't really enjoy myself. I couldn't stop either worrying about my cats, or my knees or the airplane flight home, or a million other ridiculous things (but never cancer..oddly enough). Once at home, I realized that I'll have to go back to work next week and i'm horribly behind on stuff i have to do, and, to top it all off, i don't remotely even like what I'm doing at all. I don't like being a lawyer, and i don't like reading law all day and pretending to understand what is going on, and I'm not motivated enough to be very good at it.
For another thing, i seem to have tweaked both my knee and my back somehow, so now I'm feeling injured, and, if there is one thing that makes me crazy, it is injuries. I don't think anyone who has never been a dancer can appreciate the panic and terror that an injury causes, even a minor one. how long will this take to heal? How much can I do? Will I have to stop doing what I'm doing? Am I making it worse? Why am I the only one who gets hurt? Why am I always hurt? What am I doing wrong? I am just not built for this, I cannot do this, I'm totally fucked up, i'm not meant to be a dancer, runner, biker, whatever...GOD! The level of mental pain I heap on myself is staggering, like rubbing salt into open wounds. But I'm sure salt has some sort of salutory effect, whereas this rubbing my face in my inadequacies does not. I have no perspective.
And, uh, cancer. Where do i go from here? As you can see from the above, I've pretty much forgotten that 2 weeks ago i was writhing around under the influence of taxol, steroids and herceptin. I guess I expected to suddenly be back 100% and I'm just not. But, the trouble is, I don't feel bad, except for my "injuries", so naturally i want to start living again. And I want to stop being afraid of everything, and i want to stop this insane, morbid focus on my poor body. Fuck. i'm tired of fear.
For one thing, my mind will not relax. In Austin, aside from the race and the bats, I didn't really enjoy myself. I couldn't stop either worrying about my cats, or my knees or the airplane flight home, or a million other ridiculous things (but never cancer..oddly enough). Once at home, I realized that I'll have to go back to work next week and i'm horribly behind on stuff i have to do, and, to top it all off, i don't remotely even like what I'm doing at all. I don't like being a lawyer, and i don't like reading law all day and pretending to understand what is going on, and I'm not motivated enough to be very good at it.
For another thing, i seem to have tweaked both my knee and my back somehow, so now I'm feeling injured, and, if there is one thing that makes me crazy, it is injuries. I don't think anyone who has never been a dancer can appreciate the panic and terror that an injury causes, even a minor one. how long will this take to heal? How much can I do? Will I have to stop doing what I'm doing? Am I making it worse? Why am I the only one who gets hurt? Why am I always hurt? What am I doing wrong? I am just not built for this, I cannot do this, I'm totally fucked up, i'm not meant to be a dancer, runner, biker, whatever...GOD! The level of mental pain I heap on myself is staggering, like rubbing salt into open wounds. But I'm sure salt has some sort of salutory effect, whereas this rubbing my face in my inadequacies does not. I have no perspective.
And, uh, cancer. Where do i go from here? As you can see from the above, I've pretty much forgotten that 2 weeks ago i was writhing around under the influence of taxol, steroids and herceptin. I guess I expected to suddenly be back 100% and I'm just not. But, the trouble is, I don't feel bad, except for my "injuries", so naturally i want to start living again. And I want to stop being afraid of everything, and i want to stop this insane, morbid focus on my poor body. Fuck. i'm tired of fear.
posted by abigail @ 10:42 AM
2 Comments:
At 11:36 AM,
Carolyn said…
I hear ya.
I hope you're feeling better.
all the best.
At 9:04 PM,
mcuster said…
I understand how you feel. It's so hard to be patient. I'm really tired of feeling decrepit. I think you look great. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Things should get better for you.
I was told the hair might at first appear to be really light in color and then change to its normal color. I'm not sure if that's true or not. Right now, I just want hair!
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