presque normale

Well, i know i have been mostly a downer lately. After this last surgery, and the fever, it seemed as though the weight of every fucked up thing i've been through this past year (and the prior 2 years were no real picnic either), suddenly was too much for me. I just panicked. panicked. and panicked.

Today, however, I will treat you to a look at that exceedingly rare, and yet, not quite extinct, species: the upbeat abigail blog.

I just had my first shower and I look.....almost normal.

You normal types have no idea what this means to me. I have considered myself a freak my entire life, mentally and physically. Mentally, as i've said, i am aspergian, and while growing up, my odd combination of talents and disabilities resulted in my skipping two grades in school, and graduating high school at the age of 15; whilst in the meantime struggling to learn to tie my shoes, tell right from left, and tell time. Of course this resulted in mucho social anxiety and a well stocked menu of other assorted obsessive compulsive type mental illnesses.
Physically, I am a white girl with African American hair. In fact, I used to pass for African American. Believe it or not. Thus i did not fit into any recognizable category, and was bullied about it cruelly and endlessly. Further, I grew 6 inches in one year during high school, and thus wore clothing that was always too short, was too thin, and was constantly bumping into things.

and boobs??? well that's another story. after high school i suddenly developed breasts which i never liked at all because I'd gotten used to not having them (I was a dancer, remember?) Even they seemed abnormal to me.
fast forward...

Enter cancer, and the hockey pucks. Since I had very little vanity about my body (my face is another matter...) I didn't even really process how weird the hockey pucks were. I pretty much ignored them, although i did hide in the bathroom to change tops at the gym.

Now this. I took a look. My god. I look (again almost) like a normal woman.

In the scheme of things, this matters not a whit. But, I'm actually glad i did this surgery. wow. THAT's a novel emotion...